


Things Dharkon Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The Smash Mansion

by Elysium16



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Dharkon is a Disaster, Gen, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Noodle Incidents, One Shot, Parody, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:46:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22813297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elysium16/pseuds/Elysium16
Summary: Out of everyone in the Smash Mansion, ranging from Smashers to Assist Trophies to everyone they invite, Master Hand didn't expect aSpiritto necessitate the creation of this list.And yet he did. And so here we are.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 42





	Things Dharkon Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The Smash Mansion

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing to see here, just me procrastinating on the next chapter of _Sunrise, Sunset_ by writing this.
> 
> First fifty items on this list came from @incorrectsmashbrosquotes over on Tumblr, I just added a few things. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Roll tape! _*snaps fingers*_

_Because this is getting way out of hand. —Master Hand_  
_Ha! Hand. I get it. —Corrin_

**1.** Our motto is not “What could possibly go wrong?”

 **2.** Do not replace all the food with plastic replicas.

 **3.** Do not blare music through the PA system 24/7.

 **4.** On the topic of music, the Smashers are not wrestlers. They do not need you to play their leitmotif every time they enter the room.  
**4a.** Disregard the above. —Joker

 **5.** If the stunned silence lasts more than ten seconds, do not proceed with what you were doing anyway.

 **6.** Things the Villains’ Club is not: The Fun Police, the Galactic Empire, Team Rocket, HYDRA, the Injustice League, the Illuminati.

 **7.** The Villains’ Club does not need a PR department.  
**7a.** That’s not a terrible idea, actually… —Ganondorf

 **8.** Do not scream “GUARDIAN!” around Link. Too many buildings have been destroyed by the Ancient Arrows.

 **9.** Do not perform evasive maneuvers with Vah Medoh.

 **10.** Do not ask Samus and Ridley “When’s the wedding?”

 **11.** Please keep away from the decorative duct tape. You know why.

 **12.** We do not have an HR Department.

 **13.** Do not organize a Fire Emblem: Three Houses musical.  
**13a.** Too late. —Byleth  
**13b.** Why didn’t you make this rule sooner?! —Luigi

 **14.** Do not yell “SPIRITS BEGONE FROM THIS HOUSE!” whenever you see Galeem. You’re a Spirit too, you don’t get to judge.

 **15.** Do not drink LeBlanc coffee.

 **16.** Do not lace Kirby’s food with LeBlanc coffee.

 **17.** Do not lace _anyone’s_ food with LeBlanc coffee.

 **18.** It’s probably a good idea to just stay away from LeBlanc coffee.

 **19.** I saw it in a movie once” is not a reason.

 **20.** Neither is “I saw it in an anime”.

 **21.** On occasion, “I saw it in a video game” will be accepted.

 **22.** Do not sing along with Edge of Dawn if that starts playing.

 **23.** Do not sing along with Last Surprise if _that_ starts playing.

 **24.** Do not sing in general.

 **25.** Especially if it’s from the aforementioned Three Houses musical.

 **26.** Mega Mushrooms and the Fierce Deity Mask do not mix.

 **27.** Neither do Fire Flowers and Superspicy Curry.

 **28.** Just because you have multiple limbs does not mean you can wield everyone’s weapons. Stop stealing them.

 **29.** Do not change the stage every five seconds.

 **30.** Do not sneak Superspicy Curry into Pit’s floor ice cream.

 **31.** Do not steal Master Hand’s credit card so you can buy all the Three Houses DLC.

 **32.** Do not throw rocks at Ridley.

 **33.** Do not throw Rock- _Types_ at Ridley.

 **34.** Do not encourage Joker to check out your Palace.

 **35.** Do not start a Monty Mole Uprising.

 **36.** Simon’s holy water is not for drinking.

 **37.** Neither is Richter’s.

 **38.** While we’re at it, don’t mix Superspicy Curry in with the holy water either.

 **39.** And _especially_ don’t trick Galeem into taking a sip.  
**39a.** That was actually really funny, can we remove this one? —K. Rool  
**39b.** No. —Master Hand

 **40.** Do not make puppy dog eyes to get what you want.

 **41.** Smashers—please stop falling for the above.

 **42.** Do not quote DJ Octavio. Ever.

 **43.** Do not bring a Gyarados into the swimming pool.

 **44.** Do not bring _twelve_ Gyaradoses into the swimming pool.

 **45.** Master Hand can commentate on matches just fine, he doesn’t need your help.

 **46.** Do not play the Orne music at random intervals.

 **47.** Do not ask Master Hand who died and made him boss.

 **48.** Do not ask Shulk for lottery numbers.

 **49.** Do not ask Young Link to turn back time whenever you spill your drink.

 **50.** Byleth has a Crest. You do not. Please remember this before attempting to 360noscope with Failnaught.

 **51.** Do not feed Superspicy Curry to the Rathalos.  
**51a.** Enough with the curry already! —Dedede

 **52.** If it didn’t work in the game, it won’t work in real life.

 **53.** Do not open a portal to Inferno, even if it was on accident.

 **54.** Do not pick a fight with Gomorrah.

 **55.** Do not pick a fight with Madama Butterfly.

 **56.** Don’t pick fights with any demon, actually.

 **57.** That did _not_ mean “go fight the angels instead”.  
**57a.** Jesus Christ. —Simon

 **58.** Keep away from any and all explosives.

 **59.** Do not leap out of dark corridors to scare people. Luigi’s going to have a heart attack any day now.

 **60.** On a similar note, don’t recreate scenes from horror movies.

 **61.** And yes, the Three Houses musical does count as a horror movie.  
**61a.** But it’s not a movie. —Corrin  
**61b.** You’re missing the point. —Robin

 **62.** The “water bucket over a door except instead of water it’s lava” prank was only funny _once._

 **63.** Do not run away with all the Master Balls.

 **64.** Do not jump into soft, pink, fiberglass insulation.  
**64a.** Oh, no, I’m getting itchy just by thinking about it! —Luigi

 **65.** Do not take off Dark Samus’s helmet.

 **66.** Let it be known you are banned from using the oven ever again.

 **67.** Let it be known you are banned from using the fridge ever again.

 **68.** Let it be known you are banned from the kitchen as a whole.

 **69.** Stop asking for the Darkinium Z. You can’t even use it!  
**69a.** _That was not an challenge._ —Master Hand

 **70.** Do not so much as _look_ at a Darkinium Z ever again.

 **71.** Do not take any of these rules as a challenge.

 **72.** If it’ll cause property damage, don’t do it.

 **73.** Do not steal Kirby’s cake. We are not insured against what he will do to retrieve it.

 **74.** Do not build a chainsaw cannon.

 **75.** Don’t buy one, either.

 **76.** And stop making me have to waste rules on closing loopholes.

 **77.** The proper way to greet the villains when they enter the room is “Hi”, not “EVERYONE GET DOWN!”

 **78.** Do not keep a Clubberskull as a pet.

 **79.** Or a Clobbler.

 **80.** Just stay away from Kid Icarus monsters, okay?

 **81.** Do not use Pikachu to charge electronics. Trust me, we’ve tried.

 **82.** Do not play “Will It Blend”. Too many blenders have been lost.

 **83.** Do not ask R.O.B. to divide by zero.

 **84.** Playing baseball with a Beastball usually ends badly.

 **85.** If the mood is somber, do not play Ring Dong Dang to lighten it.

 **86.** Making Cloud smile is a lost cause. Don’t waste your time.

 **87.** Asking someone to spend time with you is fine. Asking someone to spend time with you at _two in the morning_ is facepalm-worthy.

 **88.** If you mess up, you apologize. You do not throw a smoke ball and book it.

 **89.** “Target practice” is not an excuse for constantly hitting Galeem with a Super Scope.

 **90.** Do not flail around with the Wind Waker.

 **91.** And don’t even think about touching the Ocarina.

 **92.** Do not cause Bowser’s minions to go on strike.

 **93.** Attempting Joker’s fancy knife tricks with no clue what you’re doing is a good way to get stabbed in the eye.

 **94.** The proper way to begin a meeting with Master Hand is not “I have it on good authority that you don’t have any evidence”.

 **95.** “Spritz Incineroar with a spray bottle” is not code for “Hit him with the hose at full blast”.

 **96.** Just because Mewtwo is Psychic-type doesn’t mean you can short out all his power just by standing next to him.

 **97.** Do not do that thing with the lollipop in front of any of the Assist Trophies ever again.

 **98.** Do not activate every Spirit Battle condition during a match.

 **99.** Do not mess with Timers unless you want everyone caught in another time loop.

 **100.** Stop ignoring this list. It’s literally right in the center of the bulletin board, you can’t miss it.


End file.
